Let’s be real—you’re here because you need some top-tier ass jokes.

Maybe you want to roast a friend, spice up your social media game, or just have a laugh. Well, congratulations, my friend, you’ve landed in the right spot.

Get ready for a wild ride of hilarious, cheeky (literally) jokes.

We’ve got everything from one-liners to witty comebacks—perfect for any occasion. And if you don’t laugh at least once, well… you might just be made of stone.

Thick and Juicy – Jokes About Big Booties

• My friend told me my butt was getting too big… I told him it’s just a “rear” accomplishmentCopy
• That booty so big, even Google Maps can’t calculate the full route around itCopy
• Your jeans got two time zones—one for each cheekCopy
• If my butt were a country, it’d have its own zip codeCopy
• Someone tried to body shame me, but my ass is too thick to careCopy
• My butt has VIP status at every chair—it demands extra spaceCopy
• That booty so wide, when you sit down, the chair whispers, “We’re gonna need backup”Copy
• I don’t sit—I majestically park like a luxury vehicleCopy
• My ass should be in the Olympics for best cushion landingCopy
• You know your booty’s big when people start using it as an armrestCopy
• Airbags? Nah, I’ve got built-in safety featuresCopy
• Scientists mistook my backside for a small planet—NASA is still investigatingCopy
• People say I carry my problems well… little do they know, they’re all in my rear pocketCopy
• You say “double-cheeked up,” I say “blessed with built-in ottomans”Copy
• If thick thighs save lives, my booty is out here doing full-scale rescue missionsCopy

Flat as a Pancake – Jokes for the No-Butt Crew

• My butt’s so flat, even shadows refuse to form behind itCopy
• Sat down too hard, and my butt sent a missing texture error to realityCopy
• If my jeans were any baggier, I’d qualify for an invisibility cloakCopy
• My booty so flat, it’s been mistaken for an ironing boardCopy
• People say I have back problems, but really, it’s just because my spine has no buffer zoneCopy
• My chair said, “Am I a joke to you?” when I sat downCopy
• Forget “cake,” my backside is serving straight-up tortillasCopy
• I tried twerking, but my bones filed a noise complaintCopy
• My butt’s so flat, it gets lost between the couch cushionsCopy
• If my booty were a landscape, it’d be the Great PlainsCopy
• My seatbelt doesn’t even touch my lap—it just floats over the voidCopy
• Ever seen a paper towel on a bench? That’s me sitting downCopy
• My mirror said, “Why do you even check?” when I turned aroundCopy
• I can never have a wardrobe malfunction… because there’s nothing back there to malfunctionCopy
• Even my wallet is embarrassed to be carried back thereCopy

Twerk-Worthy Comebacks for Haters

• You say my booty’s too big? Well, it’s just my personality in physical formCopy
• I don’t need a gym membership—this booty does squats naturally when I sit downCopy
• If thick is wrong, I don’t wanna be rightCopy
• My butt’s got its own gravitational pull—haters just get sucked into the jealousy vortexCopy
• You say it’s “too much,” I say it’s a luxury featureCopy
• At least I’ve got a built-in cushion—your flat self must be sitting on raw disappointmentCopy
• My booty’s an investment—high value, high returnsCopy
• If my butt’s so distracting, maybe you should just focus on your own lack of assetsCopy
• Jealousy won’t make your behind any bigger, but squats mightCopy
• My rear view is better than your front view—sorry, not sorryCopy
• You say my jeans are tight? That’s because they’re holding all this greatness togetherCopy
• This booty’s a masterpiece, and you’re just mad it’s not hanging in your galleryCopy
• A big booty is a blessing, and I’m out here living my best, bountiful lifeCopy
• Haters gonna hate, but this butt’s gonna bounceCopy
• Why do you care about my backside? Are you applying for a job back there?Copy

Social Media-Worthy Booty Banter

• If my booty had a theme song, it’d be Baby Got Back on repeatCopy
• Just tried to turn around in a hallway—accidentally knocked over three chairsCopy
• My jeans hold my dreams together—barelyCopy
• Booty so big, even my shadow needs extra spaceCopy
• If you don’t like my thick thighs, I suggest running faster next timeCopy
• My behind has entered the chat… fashionably late, as alwaysCopy
• Whenever I walk, my booty makes its own applauseCopy
• Not all heroes wear capes—some just have well-distributed weightCopy
• Just realized my booty has a better social life than me—everyone’s always talking about itCopy
• You call it “too much”—I call it “plenty to go around”Copy
• My pants are always at maximum capacity—zero extra room detectedCopy
• If sitting was a sport, I’d win gold for “best cushion placement”Copy
• You don’t need to check the weather app—just ask my jeans, they always predict pressure zonesCopy
• Booty so big, even my belt is confused on where to sitCopy
• One does not simply fit into standard-sized chairs with this kind of blessingCopy

Historical and Celebrity-Level Booty Jokes

• If Cleopatra had my booty, history would have been written differentlyCopy
• Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake,” but I’m serving the whole bakery back hereCopy
• Even Shakespeare would’ve written a sonnet about this backsideCopy
• If Mona Lisa had my booty, she wouldn’t be just smiling—she’d be full-on grinningCopy
• I walked past a museum, and they tried to put me on displayCopy
• Michelangelo saw me and said, “I have new sculpting goals”Copy
• You think Beyoncé runs the world? My booty might just be the power behind the throneCopy
• If my butt had an IMDb page, it’d have more five-star ratings than any movieCopy
• Even gravity struggles to keep up with my backside’s momentumCopy
• If Marilyn Monroe had my curves, history books would be twice as thickCopy
• Archaeologists mistook my booty for an ancient artifact—because it’s a work of artCopy
• Elvis may have had Blue Suede Shoes, but my jeans are crying in distressCopy
• Even Einstein couldn’t calculate the full force of this behindCopy
• If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my booty is the full museumCopy
• Even AI can’t generate an accurate model of this level of greatnessCopy

Unexpected Booty Wisdom – Jokes with a Life Lesson

• Life’s too short to worry about thigh gaps—embrace the whole buffetCopy
• If you’ve got it, flaunt it—if you don’t, manifest itCopy
• Thick thighs and a big booty mean extra support in tough timesCopy
• Squats are temporary, but booty gains are foreverCopy
• Not all treasure is silver and gold—sometimes, it’s just two well-placed assetsCopy
• Love yourself as much as your jeans love you (which is… barely holding on)Copy
• If people can’t handle your curves, they should stay off the roadCopy
• You don’t need to fit in when your booty was built to stand outCopy
• Beauty isn’t just in the eye of the beholder—it’s in the confidence you carry in your strideCopy
• Life’s about balance, and my booty is holding it downCopy
• Your worth isn’t measured by your size, but by the confidence you wear with itCopy
• A little extra cushion just means more comfort in lifeCopy
• Confidence makes everything look better—even a double-cheeked-up situationCopy
• Every step is a statement, and my booty’s writing poetryCopy
• Life’s too short for bad vibes—shake them off, one booty bounce at a timeCopy

Conclusion:

If these jokes made you laugh, don’t keep them to yourself—share the fun! Send them to friends, post them online, or just keep them in your back pocket (if you’ve got the space).